I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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