you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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