my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
