Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
