She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
you had me at cake vodka
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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