I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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