I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
