I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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