Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize