This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
