I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
