you guys were way drunker than both of me
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize