You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
