OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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