i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i think i just lost a toe
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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