and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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