I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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