He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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