I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Randomize
