my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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