he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Two words: blizzard sex
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
