Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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