apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
