I met the friendliest cop last night
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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