Don't make out with my wife yet
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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