3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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