2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
