just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
