I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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