are you still at the devil's house?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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