I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize