You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
