remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
