fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
