Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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