Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
