she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
