So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just had sex on a roof
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
