Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
