When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
