I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
