You can't special order awesome
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
