I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize