so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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