oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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