I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
