So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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