Swine flu. Run for my life!
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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