My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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