I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
