Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It's just like the Real World with babies
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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