I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I look better un-naked...
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
