She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
