felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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