I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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