I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize