It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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