My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
