dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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