Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
