Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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