My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
