New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
